Okay.  Just Okay.

A Sunday morning much like any other.  I’m sitting in bed, hot beverage in one hand, phone in the other.  A bit of a treat in actual fact as on workdays the phone is left out of the bedroom overnight so the temptation to scroll and procrastinate isn’t there when I wake up.  But it’s Sunday, I have no plans, nowhere to be, nothing that needs doing urgently, so scroll away.

There’s no hangover but there’s a good explanation for that.  I haven’t had a drink this week, nor have I really wanted one, despite the busy working week and Wales’s latest rugby defeat.

So Twitter (sorry Elon, still no plans to start calling it ‘X’) and Instagram checked and I’m into a puzzle.  I started playing them years ago as a way to slow down the racing mind and calm the anxiety.  Nowadays it has become part of my morning routine and a nice, relaxing way to get my brain engaged and focused before starting the day.  Can’t promise that’ll work for everyone but seems to work for me.

Anyway, I’m halfway through a game and something hit me.

Was it the fact that it’s John’s birthday? (His name isn’t really John but there are 3 friends and we all call each other John.  Long story.  Funny, but long). No, it’s not that.

It’s St Patrick’s Day!  No, that’s not it either.

Was it the fart?  No, but when did I eat cabbage?  Crikey!

No, it’s this – I feel okay.

And I don’t mean physically or medically.  I just feel alright.  In the words of Larry David, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.

It feels like after spending most, if not all of my life thinking that I’m not good enough, it has just dawned on me that I am, in fact, okay.

And it feels amazing!

Now I might not be a Gosling to look at, or a Fry to talk to but I’m funny (at least I think I am, even if most of Twitter doesn’t), loyal, well mannered, mostly kind hearted, very forthright and honest.  I have a lovely family, friends, a job that doesn’t make me want to self-harm and a roof over my head.

See? Okay.  Won’t stand out in a crowd but, with my social anxiety that’s the last thing I would want.

It’s been 10 months since my autism diagnosis.  Maybe that’s how long it has taken me to come to terms with that.  Just a bit of time to get all my life ducks in a row and just start shooting them down one by one (Disclaimer – Life ducks are fine to shoot and are even suitable for vegans and vegetarians.  I’m on the fence regarding the shooting of actual ducks as they’re both beautiful creatures and delicious).

Anyway, let’s assume that, by now, everybody knows how amazing my parents are.  Fact.  I don’t take it for granted but that’s a given and I’m very lucky to be living so close.  However, I think this past year has been an eye-opener and given them a better understanding of my issues which perhaps wasn’t there before the diagnosis came.  Yes, they have seen the general improvements over the last few years but now realise that there are still days where I struggle to put one foot or one word in front of another and there are some days where I give in and choose not to.  And that’s okay.  Sometimes writing a day off and starting again tomorrow is good if it means that you can face tomorrow with a renewed energy and motivation.

As well as my folks, there have been some very meaningful conversations with friends over the past few months.  Ones with Neil and Ben last Summer, after the shock of the diagnosis was still rife, Wendy on my last visit to Exeter shortly after, Alex, Paul (aka John and John) and Zoe on my London trip before Christmas.  Most significant of all (not that it’s a competition) was with Kelly just a few weeks ago.  I say that because she was somebody who I thought I’d lost from my life which as it turns out was largely due to someone else’s lies but, once again it just goes to show what loveliness can ensue when people get together and talk in an open and (I can’t stress this word enough) honest way.

Each of these conversations may not have meant a thing to them but they were very meaningful to me and I thank each of them for that.  Five of these seven wonderful buggers no longer live locally and the other two have families and work commitments so time with them is also limited but nevertheless wonderfully good for the soul when our stars do align.

So it would appear that this whole post has boiled down once again to the importance of openness, honesty, surrounding yourself (even from miles away) with good people and taking the time to show some gratitude for what you have, not what’s missing.

If you can do that then, who knows, maybe you will start to feel just okay, too.